Remember the first time you saw the official trailer for Star Wars VII? This is a bit like that, I guess, but without Chewie.
It's been over 2 years since A Dead Chick And Some Dirty Tricks. Now the finishing touches are being added to the sequel A Big Bluff And Some Green Stuff. And you've picked the right time to be in the right place to read the first ever excerpt.
So get ready for what it, basically the book version of a film trailer... Rated 15.
Murphy lit one of his few remaining matches and
surveyed the room. Mali was still standing next to Chad by the window. Becky
was holding her dad’s hand. Trudy and Emily were by the bookshelf. Blaine was
lying on the chaise lounge, Jack on the floor beside him. Rodwell was guarding
the door. And Atkins… what was… Murphy blew out the match before it burned his
fingers, and in an ecstasy of panic lit another and guided the flame toward Atkins’
body which was shaking on the floor.
“Oh no.” Becky shaped to go over and help him but
Jack held her back. “But he’s dying,” she exclaimed.
“He’s already dead,” said Rodwell.
“What?”
“When I checked his pulse earlier, there was
nothing.”
“But you said…”
“Didn’t want to worry people.”
“Shit, so what the…” Chad turned his gun on
Atkins.
Mali dug her elbow into her husband’s flank,
admonishing him for the bad language. She looked apologetically at Trudy, who
was more concerned by the fact that Atkins was now slowly standing.
Rupes and Saviour snarled and backed off.
Trudy covered Emily’s eyes, but Emily moved her
hands away. This was too good to miss, enough material for a thousand thrilling
nightmares.
“Stand back everyone,” said Chad, barrels trained
on Atkins’ forehead.
“Wait, wait,” said Rodwell.
They all watched in fascinated horror as Atkins
slowly rose to his feet.
Trudy pulled Emily close, turning her head away
from the gruesome scene, despite her protestations.
Atkins stood facing the wall. His head rotated
unnaturally on the axis of his neck, turning to Becky who smiled
sympathetically. He didn’t seem to recognise her, most probably was blind, his
eyes rolled back into his head, foaming at the mouth.
Becky looked away. Trudy grimaced. Murphy frowned.
Chad fired.
“No,” Rodwell shouted.
The bullet struck straight between Atkins’
bloodshot eyes, ending the farmer’s short-lived career as an undead. Atkins
fell onto his study floor face first. Rupes was the first to react, moving in
to sniff the corpse, then whimpering and backing off.
There was little time for mourning. A bony fist
slammed through the crack in the door and fumbled for the lock.
Rodwell attacked the invading arm with the butt of
his shotgun, snapping its brittle wrist bone. The zombie on the other side felt
nothing, continuing its mission as its fingers were crushed and broken and fell
to the floor one-by-one like spent matchsticks. Rodwell’s frenzied attacks
eventually caused first the hand to fall from the wrist, then the forearm to
detach at the elbow, and finally the upper arm to separate from the shoulder.
Undeterred, the zombie reached in with its other arm, and Rodwell wasted no
time ripping the entire limb from its shoulders with his hands.
“Good work,” Murphy shouted at Rodwell.
The armless zombie flew back from the door as if
pulled away by a force from behind, which revealed itself to be a reanimated
reptoid. The beast shoulder barged a bigger hole in the door which fell off its
upper hinge, and charged into the room, grabbing Murphy around the neck with a
deformed claw.
Chad fired, the bullet ripping through the alien
zombie’s brain and lodging in the remains of the door. The mutant stood for a
few seconds, loosened its grip on Murphy then crashed onto Atkins’ prone
corpse.
Rodwell chopped down like an executioner on the
head of the next zombie alien that charged through the door, the butt of his
weapon splitting fragile zombified skull and brain like an axe through rotten
watermelon, the explosion producing a vile dark green of old blood.
“That’s one of your five a day,” said Chad, wiping
splashback off his face, smudging his warpaint in the process.
“Panic room has been breached,” Rodwell shouted.
“Time to evacuate.”
“Where to?” Trudy yelled.
“Fancy running another decoy?” Rodwell asked Chad.
The estate agent looked at Mali who gripped his
hand and shook her head.
Murphy turned to Rodwell. “I think you’re the
problem,” he said. “It’s not safe being around you.”
“What’s with you two?” scoffed Trudy.
“He’s right,” said Rodwell.
“Jake?”
Rodwell glanced at his wife and daughter, Emily reaching
out for him. He moved away from her and turned to Murphy. “OK,” he said. “I’ll
go.”
“Daddy, no!” Emily shouted, desperately trying to
reach her father, but being restrained by her mother.
“No decoys,” said Becky. “There’s not enough of
us. We’ve got to stick together.”
“She’s right,” said Chad. “Strength in numbers.
Isn’t that right? What would Atkins do if he were alive?”
“Eat us,” said Rodwell.
Another zombified alien head poked through the
door. Murphy grabbed it with both hands and twisted it on its neck like he was
opening a giant bottle of festive bubbly. A snap signalled the end of the
short-lived struggle and the alien fell. They all looked down at the quivering
body and heard the sound of more claws rushing up the cellar staircase.
“If we’re going, it needs to be now,” said Trudy.
